Husband needed

A girl posted an advertisement in the paper for a husband saying: I
need a person who will never leave me, never beat me and can
satisfy me in bed.
Next day, a guy with no arms and legs knocked at her door.
Girl: who are you
Guy: i want to be your husband
Girl: u don't fit for that
Guy: i don't av arms, so i can't beat u. I don't av legs, so i can't leave
u.
Girl: but how can u satisfy me in bed.
Guy: how do u think I knockd d door?

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband," You can have the shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him that he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked,"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when could spend only $150?".

The man replied," Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later the rose form the dead. I am afraid it will happen to my wife.