JOKES OF NTC GUYZ PG +18

First topic message reminder :

MY BROS & SIS U WIL NEVA BLIV WHT HAPND 2ME YSTDY. STILL CNT GET OVA IT. I WNT 2 D SUPER MKT 2 PICK SMTHNG 2 EAT N AS I WS WALKING DWN D ISLE, I NOTICED DIS MAN STARING AT ME. I LUKED AT HIM N KEPT WALKING 2D FRONT COUNTER 2PICK BOTTLED WATER AND GALA. AS I PICKED DEM AND TURNED TO FIND D SAME MAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I TRIED 2 SHOW HIM SOME LUV, SO I SMILED N SAID "HI" THEN I WENT ON 2 GET A CAN COKE. CAN U BELIEVE THE SAME MAN FOLLOWED ME? I WAS GETTING A LITTLE NERVOUS AND MAD COS HE WAS FOLLOWING ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTING. BUT I TRIED TO STAY FRIENDLY" I JUST SAID "HI" HE FINALLY RESPONDED AND SAID, "I AM SORRY 4 STARING BUT U LOOK JUST LIKE MY YOUNGEST SON..WE JUST BURIED HIM 2WKS AGO. I FELT STUPID 4 GETING MAD AS I EXPRESSED MY SYMPATHY TO HIM. HE SAID HE WAS FINE AS HE KNOWS DAT HIS SON IS WITH D LORD. THEN HE ASKED ME TO DO HIM A FAVOUR. I SAID "IF I CAN". HE SAID HE WAS A BIT SAD DAT HIS SON NEVA SAID GOODBYE 2 HIM B4 PASSING ON. HE ASKED ME TO GET IN LINE BEHIND HIM & AS HE LEFT D STORE, I SHOULD SAY "GOODBYE DAD". SO DAT HE COULD HAVE SOME SENSE OF CLOSURE. THOUGH HIS REQUEST WAS WEIRD, I HOWEVER AGREED 2 GRANT IT. SO AS HE COLLECTED HIS BAGS FROM D CASHER AND WALKED AWAY, I SAID "BYE DAD". HE TURND AND SAID "BYE SON". WHEN THE CASHIER CALCULATED MY STUFF, SHE SAID THE TOTAL WAS N6750!!!. I SAID WHAT!!...CAN U TELL ME HOW A BOTTLE OF N70 WATER, N5O GALA AND N100 CAN COKE EQUALS N6750?. SHE SAID "YOUR DAD SAID U ARE PAYING 4 HIS TOO"....MY DAD?, I SHOUTED. DAT MAN IS NOT MY FATHER OOO!!!". I QUICKLY RUSHED OUT JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE MAN APPROACHING THE PARKING LOT. I RAN AFTER HIM AND WAS SCREAMING..."EX CUSE ME, EXCUSE ME!!!". HE STARTED RUNNING 4 HIS CAR AS HE SAW ME COMING. I CAUGHT UP WITH HIM JUST B4 HE WAS ABLE 2 CLOSE D DOOR. I KEPT ON PULLING AND PULLING HIS LEGS!!! JUST LIKE AM PULLING YOURS NOW!!! YOU TOO LIKE GIST! C AS U DEY ENJOY DEY READ DEY GO!! GudMrn My Ntc Guruz!

A small boy came running out of
the bathroom in tears.
"What's the matter?" asked his
father.
"I dropped my toothbrush in the
toilet."
"Okay, don't worry, but we'd
better throw it out."
So the father fished the
toothbrush out of the toilet and
put it in the garbage. When he
returned, the boy was holding
another toothbrush.
"Isn't that my toothbrush?" the
father said.
"Yes," said the boy, "and we'd
better throw this one out too,
because it fell in the toilet four
days ago."

Funny conversation between
Akpors & son
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Son: Why is making love so
enjoyable?
Akpors: It is just like the sensation
when you are digging your nose
with your finger!!
Son: Why do women enjoy sex
more than men?
Akpors: It's because when you
dig
your nose,your nose feels more
comfort than your finger.
Son: Why do women hate it when
they get raped?
Akpors: It is like when you are
walking down the street,
someone else come over and dig
your nose, do you like it?
Son: Why can't women have sex
when they are having menses?
Akpors: If your nose is bleeding,
do you still like to dig it?!
Son: Why don't men like to wear
condoms when they are making
love?
Akpors: Do you like to dig your
nose with a glove on your
finger?!
Son: Why is making love carried
out in private?
Akpors(knocked the son's head):
Will you dig your nose in front of
your class? !Idiot!
Son: Whoa!! Dad You Are Great!!!

a man take to his office to reduce workload that has been piling up for some time (thats what he told the wife before leaving home she attached their 4yr old boy). on arriving at the office, there is this beautiful lady waiting for him, they exchange pleasantries, they send the boy to play at the premises, as they are making out, the boy suddenly bulged in and saw them, the dad begged him not to broach the issue when they return home and promise the to get him sweets and chocolates.
on their way back home the dad forgot what he promised the boy and on their arrival the boy said dad am going to tell mom what saw at the office, before he could do or say anything the mother counter offer in return for the story and the boy said "i saw dad doing what i saw you doing with the driver the other day".

Lolz, Good one!

Lolz, Good one!

Lobatan! Asiri tu!

A man died and went to Heaven. On getting there he noticed that there are many clocks on street walls of heaven though very curious for an answer.. Luckily enough he met an angel and asked him the essence of all those clocks...These transpired in btw: Man: what are all these clocks for? Angel: any body that lies on earth his/her own clock moves.. Man: wow..!! Whose clock is that.., the man pointed a clock adjacent to him? Angel: That is mother Teresa’s clock which never moved because she rarely lies infact didn’t.. Man: But sir..,what of Ugandan politicians clocks..? Angel: Ok Uganda..,that should b in our office..we are using them as table fans!

Teacher: What would
you do to make
"SEVEN" an even
number?
Fishegg: By subtracting
one from it.
Teacher: Very Good!
Any other way of doing it?
(Gmailer raised his hand)
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Gmailer: By subtracting
"S" from it.

Two friends are going hunting,
one has hunted all his life, while
the other has never hunted
before.
The experienced hunter tells his
friend to sit and be quiet, while
he
went to his tree stand.
All of a sudden he hears a blood
curdling scream. He runs down to
his friend and said I told you to
be
quiet!
His shaken friend said, "I didnt
make a sound when the snake
slithered across my legs! I didnt
make a sound when the bear
breathed down my neck! But wtf
man!! When those 2 squirrels ran
up my pants and I heard one say
should we eat them now or take
them with us?!

CONVERSATION OF COINCIDENCE

The first guy said "when my wife was pregnant she read,the novel: the 2 cities and gave birth 2 twins". The second guy said, his wife read the 3 musketeers and gave birth 2 triplet. The third guy stood up and started running heading home when asked why? he then said "my wife is pregnant and she's reading alibaba and the 40 thieves!"

Sharp Man And Sharp Woman
A married lady was going into a
hotel with her boyfriend
immediately she saw her
husband
coming out of the same hotel
with his girlfriend,On sighting
the husband, The lady quickly
said
"I DON CATCH YOU TODAY,
THANK GOD I BROUGHT A
WITNESS". The man looked at
her boldly & then turned to his
girlfriend & said "SISTER
MERCY YOU SEE WHAT I'VE
TOLD U, IF WE HAD LEFT FOR
THE CHURCH EARLIER WE
WON'T HAVE CAUGHT HER
HERE"
who SHARP pass???

Fishegg. Make u no kill person oooo. I no fit laugh.

more loadin.

Na the woman sharp pass,she even bring witness.

Boyce phones an ambulance
because his mate's been hit by a
car.
Boyce: 'Get an ambulance here
quick, he's bleeding from his nose
and ears and I think both his legs
are broken.' Operator: 'What is
your location sir?'
Boyce: 'Outside number 28
Eucalyptus Street .' Operator:
'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and
after a minute. Operator: 'Are you
there sir?'
More heavy breathing and
another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few
minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir,
please answer me. Can you still
hear me?'
Boyce: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I
couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3
Oak Street

Remix @Akpor thread. Loadin

A black man and white man were
seated on plane.
The black man
had a bunch of banana, while the
white man had a monkey.
The black man wanted to go to
the toilet, he said to the white
man "please watch over my
bananas, while am gone".
He went, came back and found
out that the bananas were all
gone. The white man pointed at
the monkey and said, "your
brother the monkey ate all of
them". The black man with a
smile said nothing.
Minutes later, the white man said,
"please hold my monkey while I
pee". He came back and met the
monkey dead. He asked the black
man what happened and
he replied
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"this is a family matter, please
stay out of it!"

When I got married, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around mevigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and 12 dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!!!" I fainted!

Fishegg45 wrote:

A black man and white man were
seated on plane.
The black man
had a bunch of banana, while the
white man had a monkey.
The black man wanted to go to
the toilet, he said to the white
man "please watch over my
bananas, while am gone".
He went, came back and found
out that the bananas were all
gone. The white man pointed at
the monkey and said, "your
brother the monkey ate all of
them". The black man with a
smile said nothing.
Minutes later, the white man said,
"please hold my monkey while I
pee". He came back and met the
monkey dead. He asked the black
man what happened and
he replied
.
.
.
.
"this is a family matter, please
stay out of it!"

I gv u ten ova ten

A woman from Calabar went to
see her
doctor with her husband
accompany her.
She was thin,tiredand exausted.
The
doctor asked her, woman, why
are u like
this, I expected to see a good
result from
your body but am seeing another
thing, what happened?
HUSBAND: doctor ask her..ooo, I
don’t
know for her.
WOMAN: Doctor am tired of this.
DOCTOR: what do u mean by that?
WOMAN: I said is too much for
me,can you
reduce the number for me?
Doctor: but tell me,
are u taking ur prescription as I
instructed u, 3 times a day?
WOMAN : yes doctor and I never
miss it once, three men always
help me for that,
my husband, our house-boy and
my
husband’s friend
DOCTOR: are you sure? 3 meals a
day
WOMAN: aahhh Sorry Doctor..i
thought
you said 3 males a day HUSBAND:
ooohhh my God,am
finished,three
men on my wife!!!

Bad communication

dat mean d man get brain pass u

A man buys a LIE DETECTOR Robot
that slaps
people who lie. He decided to test
it at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you today
during
school hours?
Son: At school. (Robot slaps son)
Son: Okay, I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry potter. (Robot slaps
again)
Son: Okay, I was watching porn.
Dad: What? When I was your age
I didn't even
know what porn was. (Robot
slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahahaha!!! After all
"he is your
son"! (Robot slaps mom).

mean d son is not blong to him

na so o

<<>>
BEYOUNCE MURDERED
report reaching us shows that
beyounce was murdered
yesterday nite at her apartment
by unknown gunmen during the
hours of 10 and 11pm after she
came back home
Beyonce Maria is a popular
nIgerian prostitute based in
calabar. She poisoned one of her
wealthy client which people
belives led to her attack.
More datails coming up later

I 4 fear, Thank god sai na naija made beyounce

Naija with death news everyday...

una go fear na

Death here and there, we are tired jooo

more stil loadin

A man was driving down the
street,and he had an important
meeting and couldn't find
parking.
Looking up towards the Heaven,
he said,
" Lord, have pity on me.
If you find me a parking space, I
will go to church every Sunday
for the rest of my life and give up
drinking. "
Miraculously, a parking space
appeared.
The man looked up again and
said," Never mind. I found one. ":

Jane was called by an Unknown number.
UNKNOWN: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?
JANE: Yeah.
UNKNOWN: So you have a boyfriend. Its your dad. I'm coming so that you'll tell me when you grew horns!

Next five minutes later, another Unknown caller.
UNKNOWN: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?
JANE: No.
UNKNOWN: I see you don't love me. I'm your boyfriend.
JANE: Oh Sweet heart, I love you. I thought it was my stupid Dad!
UNKNOWN: It's not your boyfriend. It's still your dad, just wanted to confirm you really have one. Wait for me! I'm on my way!!!

Jane don die today!

Jane don enta am ni

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Wise man niyen oooo cos wot eva he said 1st wl be consider as lie by his wife.

more stil comin 2day. Jst chil

kpakos asked his dad to buy him
a toy gun
cos is neigbours son ochuko has
one. That
same day, kpakos and his dad
went to the toy
shop and bought two toy gun.
One for his
son and himself and they drove
home. Just
when they where about taking
their lunch,
armed robbers broke in with
cutlasses and
daggers. kpakos pointed his toy
gun towards
them, asked his dad to point his,
the armed
robbers started shivery begging,
kpakos then
said daddy dont move yet oh, am
going
inside to get water so that we can
put it in
our gun. Dad fainted.

Nah d boy kill hm papa he don be fatherless be dt.

That boy nah pure bastard!

That boy nah pure bastard!

Father to son: How did you write
your exam?
.
Son: They had asked questions
which I didn't know, so I wrote
answer which they will not
know

A Journalist to a Doctor of a mental hospital & the following conversation ensued:

JOURNALIST: How do you determine to admit a patient or not?
DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.
JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.
DOCTOR: No, you're stupid! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this idiot in Ward 7!!!

A man was sentenced 5 years in jail. After the jail term he went home and pleaded with the village head to call all villagers as he had something to say to them. The village head did likewise and the villagers gathered at an open space. The ex- convict then stood up with an axe in his hand and said " as you all know that l was in jail for 5 years, during my absence there was a man who took advantage of this situation and had a love affair with my wife. I have decided to go back to jail after l have killed this man" He said these words as he approached the crowd. Seven men stood up and started to run away. The man fainted upon seeing that among those running away was his father, young brother, his two friends and the village head.

Very funny.

more stil comin

A black man and white man were seated on plane. The black man had a bunch of banana, while the white man had a monkey. The black man wanted to go to the toilet, he said to the white man "please watch over my bananas, while am gone".

He went, came back and found out that the bananas were all gone. The white man pointed at the monkey and said, "your brother the monkey ate all of them". The black man with a smile said nothing. Minutes later, the white man said, "please hold my monkey while I pee".

He came back and met the monkey dead. He asked the black man what happened and he replied "this is a family matter, please stay out of it!"

gud wrk

A lady walks into the dentist's
office, takes off her underwear,
sits
down on the chair and spreads
her legs wide open. "You must
have made
a mistake " says the shocked
dentist, "The gynecologist's office
is
one level higher. " To that the lady
replies, "No mistake, you
installed my husband's dentures
last week, now you'll be the one
getting them out. "