JOKES OF NTC GUYZ PG +18

First topic message reminder :

MY BROS & SIS U WIL NEVA BLIV WHT HAPND 2ME YSTDY. STILL CNT GET OVA IT. I WNT 2 D SUPER MKT 2 PICK SMTHNG 2 EAT N AS I WS WALKING DWN D ISLE, I NOTICED DIS MAN STARING AT ME. I LUKED AT HIM N KEPT WALKING 2D FRONT COUNTER 2PICK BOTTLED WATER AND GALA. AS I PICKED DEM AND TURNED TO FIND D SAME MAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I TRIED 2 SHOW HIM SOME LUV, SO I SMILED N SAID "HI" THEN I WENT ON 2 GET A CAN COKE. CAN U BELIEVE THE SAME MAN FOLLOWED ME? I WAS GETTING A LITTLE NERVOUS AND MAD COS HE WAS FOLLOWING ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTING. BUT I TRIED TO STAY FRIENDLY" I JUST SAID "HI" HE FINALLY RESPONDED AND SAID, "I AM SORRY 4 STARING BUT U LOOK JUST LIKE MY YOUNGEST SON..WE JUST BURIED HIM 2WKS AGO. I FELT STUPID 4 GETING MAD AS I EXPRESSED MY SYMPATHY TO HIM. HE SAID HE WAS FINE AS HE KNOWS DAT HIS SON IS WITH D LORD. THEN HE ASKED ME TO DO HIM A FAVOUR. I SAID "IF I CAN". HE SAID HE WAS A BIT SAD DAT HIS SON NEVA SAID GOODBYE 2 HIM B4 PASSING ON. HE ASKED ME TO GET IN LINE BEHIND HIM & AS HE LEFT D STORE, I SHOULD SAY "GOODBYE DAD". SO DAT HE COULD HAVE SOME SENSE OF CLOSURE. THOUGH HIS REQUEST WAS WEIRD, I HOWEVER AGREED 2 GRANT IT. SO AS HE COLLECTED HIS BAGS FROM D CASHER AND WALKED AWAY, I SAID "BYE DAD". HE TURND AND SAID "BYE SON". WHEN THE CASHIER CALCULATED MY STUFF, SHE SAID THE TOTAL WAS N6750!!!. I SAID WHAT!!...CAN U TELL ME HOW A BOTTLE OF N70 WATER, N5O GALA AND N100 CAN COKE EQUALS N6750?. SHE SAID "YOUR DAD SAID U ARE PAYING 4 HIS TOO"....MY DAD?, I SHOUTED. DAT MAN IS NOT MY FATHER OOO!!!". I QUICKLY RUSHED OUT JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE MAN APPROACHING THE PARKING LOT. I RAN AFTER HIM AND WAS SCREAMING..."EX CUSE ME, EXCUSE ME!!!". HE STARTED RUNNING 4 HIS CAR AS HE SAW ME COMING. I CAUGHT UP WITH HIM JUST B4 HE WAS ABLE 2 CLOSE D DOOR. I KEPT ON PULLING AND PULLING HIS LEGS!!! JUST LIKE AM PULLING YOURS NOW!!! YOU TOO LIKE GIST! C AS U DEY ENJOY DEY READ DEY GO!! GudMrn My Ntc Guruz!

pure attendant

A plane was transporting a bunch of mad men & they were making too much noise... One of the mad men entered the Pilots cabin MAD MAN: Teach me hw to fly a plane PILOT: I will but under one condition MAD MAN: Wats that? PILOT: If only you can get ur friends to keep quiet. MAD MAN: OK. (5min later the plane is quiet) PILOT: Wow, how did you get them to keep quiet? MAD MAN: I opened the door & told them to go and play outside.

how is This different from the Akpos?

Stil part of it

Wife hit her husband with frying
pan.
HUSBAND: What was that for?
WIFE: I found a paper in your
pocket with the name Jenny on it.
HUSBAND: I took part in a race last
week and Jenny was the name of
my horse.
WIFE: Sorry...!
[Next day wife hit him with the
frying pan again]
HUSBAND: What now?
WIFE: Your horse is on the Phone.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

A couple were silent in bed.
Wife thinking: Why is he not talking to Me?, Is he seeing another woman?, Don't I satisfy him in bed anymore?, What is going on? Is he angry with me???

Husband thinking: How did Lionel Messi lose that open goal...

footbal tinking while on bed too bad

sunnydevess wrote:

A couple were silent in bed.
Wife thinking: Why is he not talking to Me?, Is he seeing another woman?, Don't I satisfy him in bed anymore?, What is going on? Is he angry with me???

Husband thinking: How did Lionel Messi lose that open goal...

u be gbam!!!

Thanks bro, more loading.

Two blondes meet in the afterlife.

"How did you die?", the first one asks. "Oh! I died in a freezer" the second blonde replied. "So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I was coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde.

The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

There was this guy who admired houses wit nice and beautiful gates and fences. Whenever he passes anyone, he would pause and stare in wonder at such designs. Very soon he earned enough money to buy a land and build. Because of his love for flashy gates, he first decided to mount to cool fences with gates just after building, one outside and another just inside the compound.

Meanwhile, a group of armed robbers would always pass the compound and sight the lovely gates. One midnight, they stormed the house and after breaking through the tall, steel fences and gates with much difficulty, they entered very exhausted (with the hope of getting something worth the stress) only to find out that the house was totally EMPTY! No sign of habitation!

On going to the sitting room they saw the guy lying on the bare floor with water bottle as pillow. The weary, exasperated hoodlums quickly woke him up and asked

THIEVES: Abeg we they find the house wey get those fine fine gate dem
GUY: [sleepy-eyed] Na im be dis now!
THIEVES: Ah ah! Wey all your property now?
GUY: I never pack in oh.. Dem dey village!
THIEVES: [looking so frustrated this time] Okay, shey food dey for kitchen?
GUY: Na the remaining one wey I finish b4 i sleep.

At this point, the thieves didn't know what to do. So one of them decided to search the guy's pockets but didn't see a single penny. So they asked, "Na wa oh!!! OYA GO BRING WATER MAKE WE DRINK B4 WE GO"

Akpos usually admire houses with
nice and beautiful gates and
fences.
Whenever he passes anyone, he
would pause
and stare in wonder at such
designs. Very
soon he earned enough money to
buy a land
and build. Because of his love for
flashy gates,
he first decided to mount cool
fences with
gates. He built one outside and
another inside the compound.
Meanwhile, a group of armed
robbers would
always pass the compound and
sight the
lovely gates. One midnight, they
stormed the
house and after breaking through
the tall,
steel fences and gates with much
difficulty,
they entered very exhausted
(with the hope
of getting something worth the
stress) only
to find out that the house was
totally EMPTY!
No sign of habitation!
On going to the sitting room they
saw Akpos
lying on the bare floor with torn
carton
as pillow. The weary, exasperated
hoodlums
quickly woke him up and asked;
Thieves: Please, we are looking
for the house
dat
has those fine fine gate.
Akpos: [sleepy-eyed] Dis is it!.
Thieves: Aha aha! Where are all
your
properties na?.
Akpos: I have not pack in o.. They
are still in d
village!
Thieves: [looking so frustrated]
Okay, shey there's food in ur
kitchen?
Akpos: Na the remaining one i
finish b4 i
sleep.
At this point, the thieves didn't
know what to
do. So one of them decided to
search Akpos'
pockets but didn't see a single
penny.
So they finally said; "Na wa o!!
OYA GO AND
BRING
WATER LET US DRINK B4 WE GO".

A lady went to a newspaper firm
to publish her story saying ''Iam
looking for a man who wont beat
me, leave me, and who will satisfy
me in bed''.
Two weeks later she
heard a knock on her door she
opened, she saw a man with no
arms and legs and she asked,
"how can i help u?"
the guy quickly answered, "am
answering
ur request for a man"
lady continued, "you have no
arms"
guy answered, "i wont beat u".
Lady: you have no legs.
Guy: I wont leave u.
Lady: How will u satisfy me in
bed?
Guy: What do u think i was
knocking with..?

Fishegg45 wrote:

MY BROS & SIS U WIL NEVA BLIV WHT HAPND 2ME YSTDY. STILL CNT GET OVA IT. I WNT 2 D SUPER MKT 2 PICK SMTHNG 2 EAT N AS I WS WALKING DWN D ISLE, I NOTICED DIS MAN STARING AT ME. I LUKED AT HIM N KEPT WALKING 2D FRONT COUNTER 2PICK BOTTLED WATER AND GALA. AS I PICKED DEM AND TURNED TO FIND D SAME MAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I TRIED 2 SHOW HIM SOME LUV, SO I SMILED N SAID "HI" THEN I WENT ON 2 GET A CAN COKE. CAN U BELIEVE THE SAME MAN FOLLOWED ME? I WAS GETTING A LITTLE NERVOUS AND MAD COS HE WAS FOLLOWING ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTING. BUT I TRIED TO STAY FRIENDLY" I JUST SAID "HI" HE FINALLY RESPONDED AND SAID, "I AM SORRY 4 STARING BUT U LOOK JUST LIKE MY YOUNGEST SON..WE JUST BURIED HIM 2WKS AGO. I FELT STUPID 4 GETING MAD AS I EXPRESSED MY SYMPATHY TO HIM. HE SAID HE WAS FINE AS HE KNOWS DAT HIS SON IS WITH D LORD. THEN HE ASKED ME TO DO HIM A FAVOUR. I SAID "IF I CAN". HE SAID HE WAS A BIT SAD DAT HIS SON NEVA SAID GOODBYE 2 HIM B4 PASSING ON. HE ASKED ME TO GET IN LINE BEHIND HIM & AS HE LEFT D STORE, I SHOULD SAY "GOODBYE DAD". SO DAT HE COULD HAVE SOME SENSE OF CLOSURE. THOUGH HIS REQUEST WAS WEIRD, I HOWEVER AGREED 2 GRANT IT. SO AS HE COLLECTED HIS BAGS FROM D CASHER AND WALKED AWAY, I SAID "BYE DAD". HE TURND AND SAID "BYE SON". WHEN THE CASHIER CALCULATED MY STUFF, SHE SAID THE TOTAL WAS N6750!!!. I SAID WHAT!!...CAN U TELL ME HOW A BOTTLE OF N70 WATER, N5O GALA AND N100 CAN COKE EQUALS N6750?. SHE SAID "YOUR DAD SAID U ARE PAYING 4 HIS TOO"....MY DAD?, I SHOUTED. DAT MAN IS NOT MY FATHER OOO!!!". I QUICKLY RUSHED OUT JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE MAN APPROACHING THE PARKING LOT. I RAN AFTER HIM AND WAS SCREAMING..."EX CUSE ME, EXCUSE ME!!!". HE STARTED RUNNING 4 HIS CAR AS HE SAW ME COMING. I CAUGHT UP WITH HIM JUST B4 HE WAS ABLE 2 CLOSE D DOOR. I KEPT ON PULLING AND PULLING HIS LEGS!!! JUST LIKE AM PULLING YOURS NOW!!! YOU TOO LIKE GIST! C AS U DEY ENJOY DEY READ DEY GO!! GudMrn My Ntc Guruz!

na wa 4 people!

u dn wakup by dz tym? Hehehe

Fishegg45 wrote:

A plane was transporting a bunch of mad men & they were making too much noise... One of the mad men entered the Pilots cabin MAD MAN: Teach me hw to fly a plane PILOT: I will but under one condition MAD MAN: Wats that? PILOT: If only you can get ur friends to keep quiet. MAD MAN: OK. (5min later the plane is quiet) PILOT: Wow, how did you get them to keep quiet? MAD MAN: I opened the door & told them to go and play outside.

HAHAHA NOT EVEN KNW THAT THEY'R IN THE AIR!

Fishegg45 wrote:

Wife hit her husband with frying
pan.
HUSBAND: What was that for?
WIFE: I found a paper in your
pocket with the name Jenny on it.
HUSBAND: I took part in a race last
week and Jenny was the name of
my horse.
WIFE: Sorry...!
[Next day wife hit him with the
frying pan again]
HUSBAND: What now?
WIFE: Your horse is on the Phone.

HAHAHAHAHA!

sunnydevess wrote:

A couple were silent in bed.
Wife thinking: Why is he not talking to Me?, Is he seeing another woman?, Don't I satisfy him in bed anymore?, What is going on? Is he angry with me???

Husband thinking: How did Lionel Messi lose that open goal...

hmmmmm!

sunnydevess wrote:

Two blondes meet in the afterlife.

"How did you die?", the first one asks. "Oh! I died in a freezer" the second blonde replied. "So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I was coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde.

The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

hahahaha!

Fishegg45 wrote:

Akpos usually admire houses with
nice and beautiful gates and
fences.
Whenever he passes anyone, he
would pause
and stare in wonder at such
designs. Very
soon he earned enough money to
buy a land
and build. Because of his love for
flashy gates,
he first decided to mount cool
fences with
gates. He built one outside and
another inside the compound.
Meanwhile, a group of armed
robbers would
always pass the compound and
sight the
lovely gates. One midnight, they
stormed the
house and after breaking through
the tall,
steel fences and gates with much
difficulty,
they entered very exhausted
(with the hope
of getting something worth the
stress) only
to find out that the house was
totally EMPTY!
No sign of habitation!
On going to the sitting room they
saw Akpos
lying on the bare floor with torn
carton
as pillow. The weary, exasperated
hoodlums
quickly woke him up and asked;
Thieves: Please, we are looking
for the house
dat
has those fine fine gate.
Akpos: [sleepy-eyed] Dis is it!.
Thieves: Aha aha! Where are all
your
properties na?.
Akpos: I have not pack in o.. They
are still in d
village!
Thieves: [looking so frustrated]
Okay, shey there's food in ur
kitchen?
Akpos: Na the remaining one i
finish b4 i
sleep.
At this point, the thieves didn't
know what to
do. So one of them decided to
search Akpos'
pockets but didn't see a single
penny.
So they finally said; "Na wa o!!
OYA GO AND
BRING
WATER LET US DRINK B4 WE GO".

hahahahaha!

nice one

PRESENTER AKPOS: What’s your
contribution?
CALLER: There is this lady I
wanted in my life
shortly after my NYSC, But all my
efforts
proved abortive. She wouldn't
pick my calls,
she would laugh at me while
passing by for
reasons best known to her, 5
months later, I
was able to get an apartment, get
a new car
courtesy of a contract job I
secured with a
major oil company. Now most of
the missed
calls I have are hers, barrage of
sms and all
that. I am confused on what to
do. Please
advise me.
PRESENTER AKPOS: Listen up, give
her a call
letting her know you will be at
her house in
2hrs time. When it’s time call her
up and delay
for another 2hrs. Take a cool
Shower, wear a
nice outfit and attention catching
perfume.
When it’s time drive to her house,
walk to her
door and knock, once she opens,
with d
sexiest smile you've got, look
stylishly into
her eyes, draw her slowly to
yourself, take
your mouth close to her ear and
whisper
''THUNDER FIRE U'.

Lolz!

na so, more stil comin 2moro

A woman whose husband often
came home drunk
decided to cure him
of the habit. One Halloween
night, she put on a devil suit
and hid behind a tree to intercept
him on the
way home. When her
husband came by, she jumped
out and stood
before him with her red horns,
long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are
you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil,"
she responded. "Well, come on
home with me,"
he said, "I married
your sister ."

every woman r devil

Husband : Why did you give so
much
money to the beggar who was
pretending to be blind?
Wife : Didn't you hear his good
words to me?
Husband : No, what did he say?
Wife : He said that I was so kind,
so pretty and so young.
Husband : Oh, I see. He's really
blind.

A policeman pulls a driver over
for swerving in and out of lanes
on the highway. He tells the guy
to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an
asthmatic. I could get an asthma
attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample
down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a
diabetic. I could get low blood
sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood
sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a
hemophiliac. If I give blood, I
could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white
line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Girl : What are you doing ?
Boy : killing mosquitoes
Girl : how many did you killed ?
Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )
Girl : how did you know that ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boy : 3 sitting near mirror ,, 2
near beer

Women and mirror!

A frustrated principal on a
monday morning Assembly says:
Since,the genesis of this
term,some students have been
Exodusing to town and i will use
my levitical power to
deutronomise their numbers.
To do this,i have appointed
Joshua as one of the Judges,Ruth
andsamuel as Kings.To chronicle
the events is Ezra while Nehemiah
and Esther will complete the Job
and they shall all sing in psalms
and proverbs...

Two men met at a bus stop and
struck up a
conversation. One of them kept
complaining of
family problems. Finally, the
other man said: "You think you
have family
problems? Listen to
my
situation. A few years ago I met a
young
widow with a
grown-up daughter and we got
married. "Later
my father married my
stepdaughter. That made my
stepdaughter my stepmother
and my father
became my stepson. Also, my
wife became
mother in-law of her father-in-
law. Then the daughter of my
wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother
because he was
my father's son, but he was also
the son of my
wife's daughter which made him
my wife's grand-
son. That made me the
grandfather of my
half-brother. "This was nothing
until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my
stepmother, is also the
grandmother. "This makes
my father the
brother-in-law of my child,
whose stepsister is my father's
wife,
I'm my stepmother's brother-in-
law,
my wife is her own child's aunt,
my son is my father's nephew
and I'm My own grandfather! And
you think you have family
problems.
Please Free Me, says the other
man, you
dont only have a
problem, u're mad as well

GIRL: I hate my boyfriend!
BOY: Why?
GIRL: He is so cheap he cant even buy me a simple dinner, are all boys like that?
BOY: Of course not, I'm not like that.
GIRL: I'm going to break up with him.
BOY: Ok but know I'm available.
[Girl stands to leave]
BOY: Wait, where are you going?
GIRL: To break up with my boyfriend of course.
BOY: You can't leave.
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Who is going to pay for the lunch we just had?

More joke loading

Fishegg45 wrote:

Girl : What are you doing ?
Boy : killing mosquitoes
Girl : how many did you killed ?
Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )
Girl : how did you know that ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boy : 3 sitting near mirror ,, 2
near beer

hmmmmm!

Fishegg45 wrote:

Husband : Why did you give so
much
money to the beggar who was
pretending to be blind?
Wife : Didn't you hear his good
words to me?
Husband : No, what did he say?
Wife : He said that I was so kind,
so pretty and so young.
Husband : Oh, I see. He's really
blind.

hahahahaha!

Fishegg45 wrote:

A policeman pulls a driver over
for swerving in and out of lanes
on the highway. He tells the guy
to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an
asthmatic. I could get an asthma
attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample
down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a
diabetic. I could get low blood
sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood
sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a
hemophiliac. If I give blood, I
could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white
line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

hmmmmm!

Wating the policeman wan exterblish before.

Dnt knw!

At work, Okon n Akpors were
chattin:
Okon: Akpors, I have been
attendin night classes 4 5 months
now and I have exams nxt week
Akpors: oh!
Okon: For example, do u know
who Graham Bell is?
Akpors: No
Okon: He invented the telephone
in 1876; if u take night courses
u would know this
d next day, dsame discussion
took
place:
Okon: Do u knw who
Alexander Dumas is?
Akpors: No
Okon: He's d author of d 3
Musketeers; if u take night
courses, u would knw dis d nxt
day, once again:
Okon: And do u knw who Jean
Jacques Rousseau is?
Akpors:No
Okon: He's d author
of"Confessions" ; if u take night
courses, u would knw dis.
dis time Akpors got seriously
irritated and said;"do u know
who Merlin Godwin Biliton is?"
Okon: No
Akpors: He is ur neighbor fucking
ur wife since five months ago. If
you stop taking night courses,
you will know all

NEIGHBOR THEY NJOY Nah!

neighbor on night duity

Fishegg45 wrote:

At work, Okon n Akpors were
chattin:
Okon: Akpors, I have been
attendin night classes 4 5 months
now and I have exams nxt week
Akpors: oh!
Okon: For example, do u know
who Graham Bell is?
Akpors: No
Okon: He invented the telephone
in 1876; if u take night courses
u would know this
d next day, dsame discussion
took
place:
Okon: Do u knw who
Alexander Dumas is?
Akpors: No
Okon: He's d author of d 3
Musketeers; if u take night
courses, u would knw dis d nxt
day, once again:
Okon: And do u knw who Jean
Jacques Rousseau is?
Akpors:No
Okon: He's d author
of"Confessions" ; if u take night
courses, u would knw dis.
dis time Akpors got seriously
irritated and said;"do u know
who Merlin Godwin Biliton is?"
Okon: No
Akpors: He is ur neighbor fucking
ur wife since five months ago. If
you stop taking night courses,
you will know all

Na serious matter!

No be small thing!

Boy: ( calls 911 ) hello 911 i need
your help!
911: alright what is it?
Boy: 2 girls are fighting over me!
911: -.- so whats the problem
about that?
Boy: the ugly one is winning.

Fishegg45 wrote:

Boy: ( calls 911 ) hello 911 i need
your help!
911: alright what is it?
Boy: 2 girls are fighting over me!
911: -.- so whats the problem
about that?
Boy: the ugly one is winning.

make he interven

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airport just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna air plane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean you're not my instructor?"

Fishegg45 wrote:

Boy: ( calls 911 ) hello 911 i need
your help!
911: alright what is it?
Boy: 2 girls are fighting over me!
911: -.- so whats the problem
about that?
Boy: the ugly one is winning.