JOKES OF NTC GUYZ PG +18

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MY BROS & SIS U WIL NEVA BLIV WHT HAPND 2ME YSTDY. STILL CNT GET OVA IT. I WNT 2 D SUPER MKT 2 PICK SMTHNG 2 EAT N AS I WS WALKING DWN D ISLE, I NOTICED DIS MAN STARING AT ME. I LUKED AT HIM N KEPT WALKING 2D FRONT COUNTER 2PICK BOTTLED WATER AND GALA. AS I PICKED DEM AND TURNED TO FIND D SAME MAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I TRIED 2 SHOW HIM SOME LUV, SO I SMILED N SAID "HI" THEN I WENT ON 2 GET A CAN COKE. CAN U BELIEVE THE SAME MAN FOLLOWED ME? I WAS GETTING A LITTLE NERVOUS AND MAD COS HE WAS FOLLOWING ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTING. BUT I TRIED TO STAY FRIENDLY" I JUST SAID "HI" HE FINALLY RESPONDED AND SAID, "I AM SORRY 4 STARING BUT U LOOK JUST LIKE MY YOUNGEST SON..WE JUST BURIED HIM 2WKS AGO. I FELT STUPID 4 GETING MAD AS I EXPRESSED MY SYMPATHY TO HIM. HE SAID HE WAS FINE AS HE KNOWS DAT HIS SON IS WITH D LORD. THEN HE ASKED ME TO DO HIM A FAVOUR. I SAID "IF I CAN". HE SAID HE WAS A BIT SAD DAT HIS SON NEVA SAID GOODBYE 2 HIM B4 PASSING ON. HE ASKED ME TO GET IN LINE BEHIND HIM & AS HE LEFT D STORE, I SHOULD SAY "GOODBYE DAD". SO DAT HE COULD HAVE SOME SENSE OF CLOSURE. THOUGH HIS REQUEST WAS WEIRD, I HOWEVER AGREED 2 GRANT IT. SO AS HE COLLECTED HIS BAGS FROM D CASHER AND WALKED AWAY, I SAID "BYE DAD". HE TURND AND SAID "BYE SON". WHEN THE CASHIER CALCULATED MY STUFF, SHE SAID THE TOTAL WAS N6750!!!. I SAID WHAT!!...CAN U TELL ME HOW A BOTTLE OF N70 WATER, N5O GALA AND N100 CAN COKE EQUALS N6750?. SHE SAID "YOUR DAD SAID U ARE PAYING 4 HIS TOO"....MY DAD?, I SHOUTED. DAT MAN IS NOT MY FATHER OOO!!!". I QUICKLY RUSHED OUT JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE MAN APPROACHING THE PARKING LOT. I RAN AFTER HIM AND WAS SCREAMING..."EX CUSE ME, EXCUSE ME!!!". HE STARTED RUNNING 4 HIS CAR AS HE SAW ME COMING. I CAUGHT UP WITH HIM JUST B4 HE WAS ABLE 2 CLOSE D DOOR. I KEPT ON PULLING AND PULLING HIS LEGS!!! JUST LIKE AM PULLING YOURS NOW!!! YOU TOO LIKE GIST! C AS U DEY ENJOY DEY READ DEY GO!! GudMrn My Ntc Guruz!

The teacher in Johnny's school
asked the class what their parents
did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a
doctor, another said her mother
was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn,
he stood up and said "My mom's
a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he
got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later, he
returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell
the principal what you said in
class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is
important in our economy, gave
me a pocket full of lollies and
asked for my phone number ..."

Ali baba fuLl here I can't laugh again.

The principal don't want to be left out of the deal...lol

hahahahaha my bele don swell up

Akpors newly married wife asked
him, "Honey, you know I'm a
virgin and I don't know anything
about sex. Can you explain it to
me first?" "
OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simple,
we will call
your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing
'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the
first time.
Afterwards, Akpors is lying face
up on the bed, smiling with
satisfaction. Nudging him, his
bride giggles, "Honey the
prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles.
"Then we will
have to re-imprison him." After
the second time they spent,
Akpors reaches for his cigarettes
but
the wife, thoroughly enjoying the
new
experience of making love, gives
him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the
prisoner is out again!"
Akpors rises to the occasion, but
with the
unsteady legs of a recently born
foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the
bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him again and says,
"Honey, the prisoner escaped
again."
Limply turning his head, Akpors
YELLS at her, "Hey,
its not a life sentence OKAY!
You wan kill me????

One spelling mistake can destroy a marriage!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word,

"I am having such a wonderful time!

Wish you were her !" Good evening my good people

Evening bro, nice 1.

evening

A man was starved of
s*x bcos
his wife had
put 2 bed thru CS. One
day, the
wife said
Eeyaa, my Love, I know
how u
must be feeling
bcos of my condition;
abeg take
this #2000
and look for someone
and satisfy
urself. The
husband collected the
money and
left, but
returned after 30 mins.
The wife
said, Haba!
So soon? and he
answered, I no
go far, I just
enter this our neighbour
house!
And the wife
asked, I hope she no
collect
money? The man
said she collected, and
the wife
said, Abi she
dey craze? Abeg hold
this pickin
for me, make
i go meet-am; d time
wey she
born pickin
new, I help her husband
free,
why she go
collect money from u.

Na waao.

too funny

An Hausa man goes into a library
to ask for a book on suicide, an
Ibo man is the Librarian…
Hausa man: Pls do you have a
book on suicide ??
Ibo man: Wetin u wan read that
kind book for ??
Hausa Man: I wan commit
suicide!
The Ibo man stares at him and
says, abeg comot for here before
i vex for you … Who go come
return the book?

y he no go join his ppl 4 north make dem plant bomb 4 his bidy 4 2 minute dat his end

Fishegg45 wrote:

An Hausa man goes into a library
to ask for a book on suicide, an
Ibo man is the Librarian…
Hausa man: Pls do you have a
book on suicide ??
Ibo man: Wetin u wan read that
kind book for ??
Hausa Man: I wan commit
suicide!
The Ibo man stares at him and
says, abeg comot for here before
i vex for you … Who go come
return the book?

Akpos married a very
pretty girl and
after the wedding,
laid down the
following rules:
"I'll be home when I want,
if I want, and at what time I
want - and I don't
expect any hassle
from you.
I expect a great dinner
to be on the
table unless I tell
you.
I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing
and card- playing when
I want with
my old buddies and
don't you give me
a hard time about
it.
Those are my rules. Any
comments?"
His new bride said,
"No, that's fine
with me. Just
understand that
there'll be sex here
at ten o'clock
every night -
whether you're
here or not."

Na true na

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? "When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior? ", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.

A mum was lucky enough to see her three daughters wed in the same year, so she whispered to each of them "After your weddings, text me your first night experience and don't forget to text it in a coded way!"

After a week, the first daughter sent 'NESCAFE' in an sms 2 her mum while a week later, the second sent 'BENSON'. Their mum, as a 'soji woman' picked up a tin of Nescafe and read from d label "fantastic till d last drop!" She also went to her husband's pack of Benson cigarettes and found written on it "Extra long, king size!" she thought aloud "not too bad for them at their age"

A few days later, her third daughter's text comes in, "Arik: Lagos - Kano!". So Mama calls Arik Air information desk to inquire about their Kano to Lagos flight. She was told, "Its 3 times daily, 7 days a week and the flight duration is 75 minutes to and fro!"

Mama throws herself in the air, lands, slumps and faints shouting..."Yeeeeee! Eleyi ma pa mi lomo O! ( this one will kill my daughter!)"

Have you ever noticed that
almost everything about a
woman's upper body starts with
a"B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Breasts/
Boobs
.
.
.
.
Lower body with a "P". Petticoat,
pants, panties,period, p**sy.... No
wonder men suffer from high
BP;

sunnydevess wrote:

A mum was lucky enough to see her three daughters wed in the same year, so she whispered to each of them "After your weddings, text me your first night experience and don't forget to text it in a coded way!"

After a week, the first daughter sent 'NESCAFE' in an sms 2 her mum while a week later, the second sent 'BENSON'. Their mum, as a 'soji woman' picked up a tin of Nescafe and read from d label "fantastic till d last drop!" She also went to her husband's pack of Benson cigarettes and found written on it "Extra long, king size!" she thought aloud "not too bad for them at their age"

A few days later, her third daughter's text comes in, "Arik: Lagos - Kano!". So Mama calls Arik Air information desk to inquire about their Kano to Lagos flight. She was told, "Its 3 times daily, 7 days a week and the flight duration is 75 minutes to and fro!"

Mama throws herself in the air, lands, slumps and faints shouting..."Yeeeeee! Eleyi ma pa mi lomo O! ( this one will kill my daughter!)"

Fishegg45 wrote:

Have you ever noticed that
almost everything about a
woman's upper body starts with
a"B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Breasts/
Boobs
.
.
.
.
Lower body with a "P". Petticoat,
pants, panties,period, p**sy.... No
wonder men suffer from high
BP;

haha haha

Fishegg45 wrote:

Have you ever noticed that
almost everything about a
woman's upper body starts with
a"B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Breasts/
Boobs
.
.
.
.
Lower body with a "P". Petticoat,
pants, panties,period, p**sy.... No
wonder men suffer from high
BP;

may GOD FORBIDE bad thing

Akpos just bought a new
television.
One evening,akpos & his wife
were watching a christian
program..
In the program,the pastor was
preaching about how God called
moses.the pastor said:
`God will call you theysame way
he called moses'..
Akpos hearing dis,he quickly
stood up and disconnected the
television..he then turn on his
radio,to listen to the program..his
wife was suprised,so she asked:
WIFE: Honey why did you switch
off the Television,and then
decided to listen to the program
using the radio?.
AKPOS: Darling,how did God call
moses?
WIFE: in form of a fire using the
bush.
AKPOS: So do you want God to
come in form of fireusing dis
new television?..in stead of that
let him just call me using the
radio..

A group of scientists did a competition to
test the intelligence of Nigerian students in
inventing things.
On the grand finalle, three students were
called form the crowd to come and present
what they invented.
The first student went there and said:-
"I'm
Adeseun Tope from Lagos, i invented a biro
that can write what people are saying on a
paper itself,he practicalised it and he was
applauded"
The next student went there and said "i'm
Ehirim Chinwe from Imo, i invented a chip
that will tell the amount of money in the
pocket of anyone standing close to it,he
practicalised it and was applauded".
The third student went there and said "i'm
Gambo Sani from Kano,i invented an
explosive that could shatter the human
body into a million pieces, penetrating the
hardest of bones, can you allow me to sit
down while i practicalise it?" The chief
scientist stood up and said "don't bother
to
practicalise it,you are the winner of this
competition"
Abeg people, who is the real winner of the
competition?

AKPOS AND WIFE
One evening Akpos and
his wife were in bed.
Akpos was reading a
book, and his wife
was watching TV.
Akpos reaches over and
puts his hand in his wife’s
pants then withdraws his
hand.
The wife was surprised
by this and thought
perhaps Akpos was in
the mood for a little love.
Few minutes later, Akpos
again reaches into his
wife’s pants then
withdraws his hand.
Now his wife is almost
sure that Akpos
is “in the mood”.
She decides to wait
for him to touch
her a third time and then
she will know for sure.
Akpos repeats *the move.*
She then leaves the bed,
removes her clothes,
and returns ready for sex.
Akpos, still reading his
book, but became
surprised when she says,
“Dear, I’m all ready!”.
Akpos asks, “For
what?” She says, “Well,
for sex, dear!
You’ve fingered me
three times in the last 5
minutes,
and now I’m ready!”
Akpos replied,
“Huh? Sex?? I was just
wetting my fingers so I
could turn the pages"

Fishegg45 wrote:

AKPOS AND WIFE
One evening Akpos and
his wife were in bed.
Akpos was reading a
book, and his wife
was watching TV.
Akpos reaches over and
puts his hand in his wife’s
pants then withdraws his
hand.
The wife was surprised
by this and thought
perhaps Akpos was in
the mood for a little love.
Few minutes later, Akpos
again reaches into his
wife’s pants then
withdraws his hand.
Now his wife is almost
sure that Akpos
is “in the mood”.
She decides to wait
for him to touch
her a third time and then
she will know for sure.
Akpos repeats *the move.*
She then leaves the bed,
removes her clothes,
and returns ready for sex.
Akpos, still reading his
book, but became
surprised when she says,
“Dear, I’m all ready!”.
Akpos asks, “For
what?” She says, “Well,
for sex, dear!
You’ve fingered me
three times in the last 5
minutes,
and now I’m ready!”
Akpos replied,
“Huh? Sex?? I was just
wetting my fingers so I
could turn the pages"

No be small wetting fingers, he should also use bucket and fetch bathing water there

Garri no get advert but e sellpass
Indomie
-No matter how Toms sell, e no fit
sell
pass bathroom slippers
-If you never thief meat frompot
before, then your mama no sabi
cook
-A girl who laughs at your dry
joke
during your first date does not
have
transport fare back home
-Say Hausa man poor no mean
say im
no fit afford transistor radio
-You no fit kneel down greet your
parents, but you fit kneel down
give
your girlfriend flower... Una go
explain on Judgement Day
-"It's a small world" no mean say
you
fit trek from Naija to Malaysia
-If the alarm of a China fone can't
wake you up, forget am; you don
die!

satflex wrote:

Garri no get advert but e sellpass
Indomie
-No matter how Toms sell, e no fit
sell
pass bathroom slippers
-If you never thief meat frompot
before, then your mama no sabi
cook
-A girl who laughs at your dry
joke
during your first date does not
have
transport fare back home
-Say Hausa man poor no mean
say im
no fit afford transistor radio
-You no fit kneel down greet your
parents, but you fit kneel down
give
your girlfriend flower... Una go
explain on Judgement Day
-"It's a small world" no mean say
you
fit trek from Naija to Malaysia
-If the alarm of a China fone can't
wake you up, forget am; you don
die!

china phone nah home scarter now

U try

make una no kill pesin here

One day a teacher was talking
about marriage in class....
Teacher : What kind of wife
would you like Johnny ?
Johnny : I would want a wife like
the moon....
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice....
do you want her to be cool &calm
like the moon ?
Johnny : No, no....
Teacher : oh so u want her to be
round and white ??
Johny : No, no....
Teacher : Oh, so u want her to be
fair and beautiful like d moon ?
Johny : No, no....
I want her to arrive at night and
disappear in the morning...!!!

Women talk too much. That's why men have developed a superpower called SELECTIVE HEARING.

EXAMPLE:
When a woman says:
"This house is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this,
Your stuff is all on the floor,
You will be without clothes
If u don't wash them
NOW."

Men only hear:
"bla, bla, bla, HONEY
YOU AND I, bla, bla, bla
bla, bla, bla, ON THE FLOOR
bla, bla, bla, WITHOUT CLOTHES
bla, bla, bla, NOW!

*Now read without the "bla"*

The Nigerian Police, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The UN President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The Nigerian Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten Antelope. The Antelope is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Na true talk bo.

Fishegg45 wrote:

One day a teacher was talking
about marriage in class....
Teacher : What kind of wife
would you like Johnny ?
Johnny : I would want a wife like
the moon....
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice....
do you want her to be cool &calm
like the moon ?
Johnny : No, no....
Teacher : oh so u want her to be
round and white ??
Johny : No, no....
Teacher : Oh, so u want her to be
fair and beautiful like d moon ?
Johny : No, no....
I want her to arrive at night and
disappear in the morning...!!!

if man can get that wife if for good.

hahahaahahahahahahaha

Lottodream wrote:

Fishegg45 wrote:

One day a teacher was talking
about marriage in class....
Teacher : What kind of wife
would you like Johnny ?
Johnny : I would want a wife like
the moon....
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice....
do you want her to be cool &calm
like the moon ?
Johnny : No, no....
Teacher : oh so u want her to be
round and white ??
Johny : No, no....
Teacher : Oh, so u want her to be
fair and beautiful like d moon ?
Johny : No, no....
I want her to arrive at night and
disappear in the morning...!!!

if man can get that wife if for good.

i will also whant a wife of that type.

Fishegg45 wrote:

One day a teacher was talking
about marriage in class....
Teacher : What kind of wife
would you like Johnny ?
Johnny : I would want a wife like
the moon....
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice....
do you want her to be cool &calm
like the moon ?
Johnny : No, no....
Teacher : oh so u want her to be
round and white ??
Johny : No, no....
Teacher : Oh, so u want her to be
fair and beautiful like d moon ?
Johny : No, no....
I want her to arrive at night and
disappear in the morning...!!!

gud choice

MESSI REFUSED TO COME
ON AGAINST BAYERN AND
ALSO SPOKE PIDGIN.. Lionel Messi actually refused to come on as a sub and also spoke pidgin
english! Our undercover reporter at Nou Camp just revealed that Lionel Messi was
asked to warm up after the first goal was scored, but instead, he repiled angrily:
“Shey you dey mad ? You see scores na 5-0 ..you wan make i con kill myself? I be Jesus? I resemble chuck Norris for
your eye?? ..how much na dey pay
me..abeg abeg abeg” The coach and the entire bench was shocked messi spoke pidgin, and are
also wondering why on earth he is wearing Arsene Wenger’s jacket.

Lottodream wrote:

MESSI REFUSED TO COME
ON AGAINST BAYERN AND
ALSO SPOKE PIDGIN.. Lionel Messi actually refused to come on as a sub and also spoke pidgin
english! Our undercover reporter at Nou Camp just revealed that Lionel Messi was
asked to warm up after the first goal was scored, but instead, he repiled angrily:
“Shey you dey mad ? You see scores na 5-0 ..you wan make i con kill myself? I be Jesus? I resemble chuck Norris for
your eye?? ..how much na dey pay
me..abeg abeg abeg” The coach and the entire bench was shocked messi spoke pidgin, and are
also wondering why on earth he is wearing Arsene Wenger’s jacket.

lol

A married man was visiting his girlfriend, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" he replied

"Oh please?", the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice but still he refused. She asked once more, and he gives in.

That night he crawls into bed with his wife, while she was sleeping. She is awakened, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Wahala do happen

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The
farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and
the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother
you," The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a b***h...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Akpos was interviewed at a US
Embassy.
CONSUL: your name, please?
AKPOS: Akpos Akpororo.
CONSUL: Sex?
AKPOS: 6 times a week.
CONSUL: I mean, male or female?
AKPOS: Both male and
female. Sometimes even camel.
CONSUL: Holy cow!
AKPOS: Yes, cows and dogs, too.
CONSUL: Man, isn't dat hostile?
AKPOS: Horsestyle,
dogstyle, even snake style!
CONSUL: Oh dear!
AKPOS: i can't catch deer,They run
too fast..!.

Akpors na all commer! Lol.

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last warnin, dnt post dz on my thread again. U dig me?

Lol